15 Tweets That Will Make You Laugh If Your Life Is A Trainwreck

Are you on twitter? I've only been hanging out there since the summer. For months, I felt like a stranger in a strange land. I still feel like the gangly tween at the party, but I don't care because twitter is where all the hilarious, raucous kids hang out and it makes me feel like maybe I could sit at their lunch table and, I don't know, trade friendship bracelets or something.

Basically, I swing by twitter when I need a laugh. Take these with a huge grain of salt.



15 Tweets That Will Make You Laugh If Your Life Is A Trainwreck:

1.

Don't forget to pretend you're mentally stable today.

� Jedi Cheesy Gifts (@JediGigi) January 7, 2014

2.

*reluctantly signs reality check*

*adds "lame" to memo line*

� Alien Skier (@ClichedOut) September 27, 2017

3.

i just heard a guy at the coffee shop say he was doing ok and thought whatever, quit gloating

� silent schmox, holy schmox (@IvoryGazelle) October 5, 2017

4.

Sometimes I find a random screw lying around my house and I just assume it's from my life falling apart.

� ??MamaJingles?? (@MamaFizzles) June 18, 2017

5.

but let's pretend otherwise pic.twitter.com/4R0x5wdCD2

� m a ureen (@shoelessfornow) October 3, 2017

6.

Are things going well for me? Well, no.

But am I coping well, emotionally?

Also no.

� Erin Can't Even. (@Mom_Overboard) December 10, 2017

7.

*gets out of bed*
Me: I've already made everything 10x worse.

� Ray Pizzaface Jr. (@muyrando) November 10, 2017

8.

Friend: Have you tried doing things in a normal, correct way?
Me: No, that is not how I choose to live my life

� mindflakes (@_mindflakes) November 8, 2017

9.

*clicks follow on a Dogs Wearing Pajamas Instagram account*
Things are really starting to look up for me, I am taking action to bring positive change into my life

� Scroogepants Cher (@House_Feminist) November 14, 2017

10.

ANYONE: [gives me a compliment]

ME: [pulls out flowchart] you�re wrong, and here�s why

� Jill la Jill (@JillianKarger) November 21, 2017

11.

Much like snowflakes, no two panic attacks are exactly alike.

� liv. (@liv_thatsme) December 10, 2017

12.

The only time I feel in control of my life is when I'm operating that magic, every-flavor-in-the-universe soda dispenser at Burger King.

� Rob Cee (@TheRobCee) December 14, 2017

13.

[gets hit by a car]
DRIVER: oh my god, are you okay
ME: are any of us okay

� Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) December 11, 2017

14. 

It's not true that there's nothing to do in the winter. You can cry OR sleep

� Michael would like Nazis kicked off of this site. (@Home_Halfway) December 10, 2017

15.

Santa: What do you want for Christmas?

Me: To not feel broken and hopeless on the inside for once in my pathetic, lonely life

S:

M: Shoes

� Sasshole (@RidiculousSheri) December 11, 2014

I'd also like to take a moment to point out how hilarious and fantastic my friend Maureen is (note # 5). I know her in real life, and it's the greatest.

I Challenge You...to a Staring Contest!

Remember when you were six, hanging off of the front of the grocery cart and your mom would hiss at you to "STOP STARING at that poor old man! It's rude! That'll happen to your teeth too, buster, if you can't learn to be polite so STOP. IT. NOW."

I have become the old man in this scenario.

What? Oh. Yes! I still have my teeth! Good heavens.

What I mean is that, over the last several months, I've become the spectacle that draws kids' eyes in the grocery store. I am the oddity you tell your kids not to gawk at.

Believe it or not, this was a hilarious revelation to me. Paul and I laugh about it all the time. Since I'm not super sensitive about being hairless, I find this harmless interaction almost flattering. I am bizarre enough that small children feel compelled to study me further! I have become interesting to kids!

It's great because we've all been there - usually as either the flustered mum or the transfixed toddler, of course. But then, I'll bet you can name at least one time you've been stared down by some mangy pipsqueak. Kids can't help themselves. They shouldn't, even. I look hilarious without hair.

So, stare your hearts out kiddos! I'm probably just going to ignore you. And maybe smile.

Shyly. At my feet.

I'm allowed to post this because I'm a mom. And I have cancer. And it's a riot.

Caillou is off-limits in our household. My sanity cannot allow it. If you've seen the show, you will appreciate this:

Also, HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY FOLKS!!!

A few Ingrid-isms for posterity

I warned you about these. I'm a mom. I think everything my kid does is publishable material. Also, I had chemo today, so I'm protecting you from what would essentially be an incoherent acid-trip-esque jumble of a post. Easier to just copy some sassy Ingrid quotes from my journal. Life is better this way.

A few nights ago I was reading Ingrid a bedtime story. Mid-sentence, she clutches my thigh and blurts out with alarming enunciation: "You. Are. Fat." Paul is still stunned I have yet to embrace a strict diet of iceberg lettuce and water. 

Then this: In an unprovoked fit of rage, my delicate rose of a daughter threatened Paul with, "I'm going to kill you with boo-boos!" Probably, he was trying to change her diaper. Or give her dessert. Toddlers never make sense. 

This morning: Ingrid struts into the bathroom with all the pomp that her 2-year-old self can muster. "Hey mommy. Remember me? I'm Ingrid."

"Um, yes. I remember you. You're the little devil who shattered my eyeshadow. Thanks for that, btw."
"Hey mommy. What's your deal?!?"

Things we say.